My previous articles dealt with the geographical distance of a lover. But, there is such a thing as EMOTIONAL DISTANCE. A person can be near to you and yet feel so far from you. Like I said proximity is not necessarily equal to intimacy. One writer opines that it is possible for people to draw near to you with their lips and their hearts be very far from you. This tendency of the human heart to be far from another is called emotional distance.The first thing to deal with is how emotional distance is principally created in our love lives. The major way hearts get closed is by offense. There is something about the human heart that makes it withdraw once it is offended. In fact most human hearts even go beyond withdrawal to actually closing up. The best way to put it is that the human heart is “hurt sensitive”. You can’t hurt a person deliberately and not have emotional gap created between you two.

Unfortunately, there is a subtle erroneous mentality gaining popularity these days that the best way to love your partner is to hurt them. That is in the least insane and at best a manifestation of a person’s ignorance of the nature of the heart. Those who take love for granted are bound to loose it some day soon. I am of the school of thought that love is show business. If a love does not show, that love is not so. One of the major ways people hurt their partner is by hiding their love for each other. Most people do this because they don’t want to be taken for granted. Any one who will take the display of your genuine love for granted has simply proven that they are unworthy of you. Simply find someone more valuable to give your love to. What then, are the symptoms of emotional distance.

  • SILENCE: The nature of the heart is such that, out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks. A heart that is full of you will not only speak of you, it will speak to you. This is why smart lovers never take the silence of their lovers lightly. Just as a person that is far cannot be heard, a heart that is far won’t be heard.

  • PASSIVITY: Passivity is when a lover that should care, just doesn’t seem to care any more. This passivity is one of the earliest warning signs that a relationship is about to die. Most passive lovers who might have been known to care, can just get to a point where they simply do not get in the way of their lover anymore. They will often passively tell you that whatsoever you choose to do is okay by them,no matter what. The reality is their heart has left you and gone on a pilgrimage from you. This issue should also not be taken lightly.

  • ONE-SIDEDNESS: Watch out in love when the giving becomes one-sided,when the visiting becomes one-sided,when the communication becomes one-sided,when the calling becomes one-sided,even when the love sacrifices become one-sided. It is often a sign that, that love is emotionally departing.

Now to the solutions. How do you close the emotional gaps you perceive in your love life?

  • CONFRONTATION: you will have to confront them. By confronting them I don’t mean conflicts but I mean the gentle but patient and persistent investigation of what is actually going on in your partner’s heart. This is very difficult to do because many would rather live on with the status quo than confront their lover. Such people must realize that ignoring a problem will never ever solve it. The confrontation should be first gentle so as not to put your partner on the offensive or on the defensive. You must be patient because the length of time it will take for a heart to comeback to you depends on how far it has strayed from you. The confrontation must be persistent because most lovers would want you to really prove to them you really want to make things right before they open up to you again.

  • GENUINE LISTENING: This is in reality one of the hardest things to do. You must understand that listening is the key to the human heart. You must also resist the temptation to justify your self,this just might drive your lover away again. You must realize that you aren’t in a court of law, you are in a court of love. This court rewards empathy more than justification.

  • APOLOGIZE: Do not be too big to say ‘I am sorry’. It is not enough to say am sorry, you must be willing to act sorry, mean sorry and if possible live sorry until the heart gone afar returns to you. Most men must enroll in the school of sorry for their credibility in love to be established. Men must realize that it is by far more important to keep our relationships intact than to keep our ego and pride intact.

  • AFFIRMATIONS AND ASSURANCES: While assurance is the bandage of a wounded heart, affirmation is the balm of the same. Without both of them the heart runs a risk of future infection with past hurts. The degree to which they should be applied,is the degree to which the heart has gone astray.

  • GOOD SENSE OF HUMOR: Develop a good sense of humor. A merry heart does good like medicine. You are not really healed on an issue until you can both laugh about it. The stand up comedy industry has proven to us that we can laugh on purpose. So work on the source of your emotional distance until it becomes a note of fun in your relationship and you would have recaptured a lost heart.

I hope above all things that the application of these principles will successfully close the emotional gaps you are dealing with. Do let me know by email how your love goes. I believe in you.


Deji Olabode
Love Dynamics Global.
Enthronement Assembly Lagos
@lovedynamix on twitter

*Please note that all inquiries about speaking engagements and professional counseling should be directed to the above email address. Thanks.

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