We have been unraveling the mystery behind a perfect love environment. Having just concluded on the subject of long distance relationships and companionship, we must now proceed with the next ingredient and that is HELP or assistance.

Many tend to love for love sake but in the beginning the creator made a partner for the purpose of help. This means that at every point in time we must keep asking the question, ‘Is my lover helping me or hurting me’? Love is for helpers not users.

If the purpose of love is to help, the first point is that we must acknowledge our need for help. One of my favorite definitions of pride is someone who denies their need for help. I have noticed that many fail in love enterprises not because they can’t give love, but because they can’t receive love. Real love is easier to give than to receive. Some time in future I will write on the subject of the unlovables. One of the most difficult people to love are people who wont admit their need for love.

The major reason why many deny their need for help is because receiving help fosters a sense of vulnerability in us and most times we hate to feel vulnerable. Be that as it may,it is that void of vulnerability in us, that creates the relevance for our partners, as they meet our needs. This means that our relevance in love is tied to helping our partners meet their needs.

At this point it is important to warn you not to confuse assistance with exploitation. There are certain parasitic lovers who have nothing meaningful to contribute in love, other than to collect and collect and collect. This is not what we are advocating. We are advocating a mutual give and take paradigm, where both partners contribute mutual value to one another on a consistent basis. A few years ago, I heard of a lady who used her school fees to pay for her partner’s school fees while she lost the semester. That is stupidity of the highest order. Love may be gentle but love is not stupid.

It is stupid because, if her partner really loved her, he would have stopped her from making such sacrifices for the sake of her future. Exploitation is when one partner does all the helping while the other partner does all the receiving. In most cases, the over-helpful partner is being used. Such love models should not be tolerated at all. Such indulgence of a partner will produce responsibility handicaps, who are no good to themselves and their families because they’ve been spoiled by the extreme generosity of their partners.

This is not to say that there will not be occasional seasons when one partner does more of the helping than the other. However, this should not be the case all the time, except if your lover is a certified parasite. The key here is BALANCE; a balanced culture of mutual help that rotates from one partner to the other, as needs and seasons vary is the defining mark of an excellent relationship.

It is also important to be shrewd in help. The degree of help should deepen as the commitment of the relationship deepens. We must be careful not to help too much, too quickly. For instance, there should be a limit to the help given to someone you aren’t married to legally. Over-commitment can be as dangerous as under-commitment. I know of ladies who have played the wife to men they weren’t married to. Most of them cooked countless meals, rendered sexual services even did the laundry for boyfriends only to be dumped like house maids. The rejection and pain that most of them live with is a crucial lesson about the dangers of over-commitment.

My advice is never to give more than you are given, never commit more than is being committed to you, never love more than you are being loved. That way, you will never have to hurt more than is necessary in case the relationship fails. I call this “SAFE LOVING”. Conversely never hold back from someone who is giving their all to you. True love must never be ignored.

From this day it is crucial to begin to look for both little ways and major ways to be of help in the lives of those you love. It could be as little as a cup of coffee for your lover or it could be as major as the forgiveness of a major offense. The point remains that a loving heart guarantees a helping hand. This also means that if you can’t help your partner in any way, it is best you leave them alone for some one who can. Help is the stuff that real love is made up of.

Dear prospective lover, if you can’t help me, please don’t hurt me, and if you are bound to hurt me please leave me for someone who won’t. Thank you.
~Every Lover’s heart cry.


Deji Olabode.
Love Dynamics Global.
Enthronement Assembly Lagos.
@lovedynamix on twitter.
BBpin; 291C00DD

* Please note that all enquiries about speaking engagements and professional counseling should be sent by email to the above email address. Thanks.
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4 thoughts on “THE ESSENCE OF LOVE!!!

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