Yesterday, we began to explore what a love x-ray would look like, as we shared some strategic questions that will help you measure the validity of your relationship before giving up on it. We established that we all must learn how to ask positional, oppositional or confrontational and operational questions of ourselves as well as our partners before shutting the door of love on them.Today, we want to go a little bit deeper on the subject of love x-rays as we consider the vital signs of a dying relationship. When conducting any test, knowing what to look out for is as important as knowing what to do. In other words, after knowing how to perform a love x-ray the next most important thing is to know how to accurately interpret the results of the test. It is the accurate interpretation of the results that fuels qualitative decision making.

In the medical sciences there is something called vital signs. They are the body temperature, pulse or heart rate, blood pressure, and respiratory rate. The consistent monitoring of these physiological entities go a long way to save a patient from untimely death.

Likewise in love, the presence of the following four psychological behaviors could mean that the relationship is close to death. An informed lover must consistently monitor these vital signs so that they won’t be taken by surprise.

  • FEAR (I was afraid): Notice I didn’t say reverence or respect, I said plain old fear. There is something about the presence of fear that slowly and certainly announces the passing away of love. Love and fear cannot co-exist in a relationship. One writer boldly affirmed that “love is not made perfect in fear but perfect love casts out fear. On one hand fear is usually the first outcome of betrayal in love. You can’t cheat on your partner and not reap a harvest of fear when you see them. Fear and betrayal go hand in hand. The other issue is that fear and freedom are opposed to one another. When you are afraid of someone, you can never be yourself around them. If love is, then the sacrifice and sharing of ourselves with one another, and it is. Sharing your true self with a person you fear becomes impossible. Every partner must have to choose between one or the other. You are going to have to decide if you want to be loved or if you want to be feared. You can have it both ways. Most African men have been coerced by culture to believe that for a relationship to work the woman must be made to fear the man. What these men must agree with is that these women will never be free to love them. Perfected fear leads to imperfected love and perfected love flushes out fear. We must not ignore the fear factor in our relationships. We must always see extreme fear as as sign that something went wrong,or is going wrong and that something will ultimately go wrong in our relationship. We must be content to live with the respect of our partner and we must not require their fear.

  • EVASION (I hid myself): When someone who used to run towards you with open arms begins to run away from you with clenched fists, you know there is a problem. When someone who couldn’t afford to be without you begins to avoid you, you know there is a problem. When someone who used to spend all day with you on the phone now claims to be too busy to return or even pick your calls. You need to face the facts, they don’t want you any more. When a husband who used to return home every weekend, to relax with his family now can’t make it more than once or twice a year. Just know there is a problem. When the always accessible lover becomes the inaccessible lover with a million excuses, just know something is wrong. Evasion is usually disguised by a mountain of flimsy excuses. If it is not work today,its an appointment tomorrow. If its not finances today,it is their health tomorrow and story goes on. The bottom line is if a person is adept at finding several excuses to be away from you,rather than finding reasons to be with you, you know the relationship is dying. What you starve eventually dies. If you starve one another of each other’s presence the relationship will die.

  • ACCUSATION (The woman YOU gave me): The moment finger pointing becomes the order of the day in a relationship it begins to die. True love covers a multitude of inadequacies. The moment love runs out,the weaknesses of a partner becomes amplified in our consciousness and that is what leads to accusation. Beware when your relationship begins to feel like you are constantly on trial,with your partner being the chief prosecutor pointing out your every flaw. Just know that the love is winding down. Are there things to do to revive dying love? The answer is yes, but this will be the subject of another day.

  • BLAME (THE WOMAN you gave me): There are relationships today that lack a culture of personal liability and responsibility. When love is healthy you see the couples take responsibility for virtually everything in their lover’s life. When love dies out, that same partner becomes the source of everything wrong how interesting. In a healthy relationship, the parties don’t struggle to shift the blame they struggle to claim the blame and this is how it is supposed to be. If your experience is not a confirmation of this bliss keep believing for the best.

These four vital signs must be constantly monitored in your love x-rays to determine if the relationship you are into is viable. An overwhelming presence of these four, blame,accusation,fear and evasion can lead to the end of the relationship. I trust that you will make the best decision. Good morning.


Deji Olabode
Love Dynamics Global.
Enthronement Assembly, Lagos.
@lovedynamix on twitter.

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