Yesterday, we began to establish the fact that communication is an undeniable mandate if your love life will work. We established the fact that the state of communication is the real state of the relationship. If communication is dead, the relationship is dead. If communication is alive the relationship is alive. We further established that it is equally important to get the tone, timing and terrain of our communication right, if it will succeed. To build upon these, it is also important to get the FREQUENCY of our communication right. By frequency we mean that communication must be regular for it to register. I dare say it must be daily. You see, communication is the price of continuity in every relationship. It is even more essential when you are dealing with a long distance relationship, to keep in touch daily with the one you love.

The failure to pay this daily price has destroyed many relationships that could have worked. There is absolutely no excuse in this age of global telecommunication innovations not to keep in touch. The use of BBM, Skype, Whatsapp, Facebook, Twitter and the likes are virtually free if used on a personal level. If you don’t communicate with your loved ones regularly, it is because you wouldn’t, not because couldn’t. In view of the availability and affordability of communication technologies in our day, not communicating with your partner is to have committed the unpardonable social sin.

It is also important to get the core of our communication right. The core of communication is LISTENING. Listening to your lover is more than hearing. You hear with your ears but you listen with your heart. This is why I believe that relationship expert John Gray hit the nail on the head when he said that “the number one complaint that women have about men is that men don’t listen to them”. The gravity of this female frustration lies in the fact that our not listening to them tells them that our heart isn’t with them. It is also vital to know what to listen for and to.

  1. You must listen to the exact words of your partner.

  2. You must listen to the tone of your partner.
  3. You must listen to the body language of your partner.
  4. You must listen to the heart and mind of your partner.
  5. You must listen to the seen and the unseen
  6. You must listen to the said and the unsaid.

Such dimensions of listening will require your undivided attention. In fact, it will require your whole being. When achieved, it will take your relationship to a whole new level in effectiveness.

Finally you must get the INTENSITY of your communication right. I do believe that there are levels of communication.

  • Level One Communication – Terrestrial Level. At this level you are sharing what happened in the world around you. For example, Arsenal FC won the championship cup, so and so president died of heart attack and the likes. In level one, you share general things pertaining to the world around you. Unfortunately, many relationships never leave this level.

  • Level Two Communication – Personal Level. At this level, we tend to share what happened to us as individuals. For example, I am tired, work went well, I feel hungry and the likes. Usually this level is filled with details from what happened to us physically and nothing more. It is mostly cerebral in content
  • LevelĀ  Three Communication – Emotional in nature. At this level, we share what is in our heart. What we feel, our motives,our inner longings, our hidden motivations and the likes. This level focuses on what is going on actually in our hearts. It is primarily visceral in content.
  • Level Four Communication – Spiritual in nature. At this level, we entrust the gems of our spirit to another. Such levels of communication is seldom attained by many because of the magnitude of transparency and fellowship required. Many also don’t get there because it requires the discipline of prayer for each other and possibly prayer with each other, for us to function at this level.

Whatever level of communication you are at today, what is important is that you continue to work hard at improving the quality of communication in your relationship. It is a life long responsibility that we will not be free from forever. None of us has perfected the art of communication and probably none of us will. However, what we all must do is to commit to what the Japanese call KAIZEN (constant and never ending improvement) in this area of our love lives. I see you succeeding.


Deji Olabode.
Love Dynamics Global.
Enthronement Assembly Lagos.
@lovedynamix on twitter.
BBpin; 291C00DD

* Please note that all enquiries about speaking engagements and professional counseling should be sent by email to the above email address. Thanks.

* Also feel free to download our newly launched Love Dynamics app on blackberry app world. Simply click on the following link and download for free.

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  1. LOL. If any lover wants to have an Arsenal-winning-a-trophy gist…am afraid that will wait a couple of years. A big reason such relationship may never leave that level…buhahahaaaaa #ForLaffs

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