Writting the word text on blackboardChange my lover? How did you know, Deji, that is what I have been wanting to do for a long time? I can almost hear somebody scream for joy at the prospect of replacing their lover. However, that isn’t what we are considering today, at least not just yet. The complex love equation we intend to deal with today is actually the challenge of change in our love relationships. To me, change, the change of either ourselves or our partners is the biggest challenge we might have to deal with in our relationships.The role of change is very vital in our relationships because many individuals have predicated their happiness in love upon the change of their partners. Many conflicts in love also stem out of our desire to see certain changes in the ones we love. Whether this desire for change is realistic or not, it is about time that a framework for managing change in our relationships be unveiled. If this article enhances your mastery of the subject of change in love,my objectives would have been achieved.

One of the reasons why I believe change needs no definition is because we are confronted with the reality of change every single day of our lives. What is necessary however, is for us to identify the various kinds of changes and how we are to deal with them.


These are the changes that are bound to happen in the course of our long term relationships no matter what we do. They are changes we can do little or nothing about. These are changes beyond our circle of influence to use the words of management thought leader, Stephen.R. Covey. Such changes could be environmental,circumstantial or personal in nature. An example of such is aging. No matter how beautiful or handsome our lover is, anatomical degeneration will set in as the years pass by. I like to refer to predetermined changes as changes that we cannot change. The only way to handle them is by preparing for them,adjusting our attitudes to them,accepting them and managing them graciously. It is a mark of maturity not to allow such predetermined changes become a point of conflict in love, because there is absolutely nothing your partner can practically do about them.


These are changes based upon our preconceived preferences. In other words, these are changes we desire to see in our partners for our own selfish sakes. They are changes we want, not necessarily because they are based upon principles, rather they emanate from our personal selfish interests. An example of these was a woman who fought with her husband over choosing to eat his meat before his meal was finished. She argumentatively opined that the husband was supposed to eat the meat last. She kept nagging him on this issue until it drove a wedge in communication between the two of them. Another example is the husband who beat up his wife for pressing out the toothpaste tube from the center and not the base. Funny as these may sound you will be amazed at the little prejudicial foxes that our immaturity has allowed to spoil our love vines.

Little fires can kindle great matters if we aren’t careful. To deal with such issues we must ask ourselves if our prejudices are supported by any valid principles. If not, we must let it go and choose not to sweat the small stuffs. If we continue to fuss about such insignificant issues in love,we might end up creating unnecessary tension in our relationship. These can degenerate to a point where your partner isn’t free to be themselves around you anymore. You must never forget that when your partner can no longer be free to be themselves around you,you have lost them totally. It is also important to watch the overwhelming tendency to correct everything your partner does. I call such “classroom” relationships. The danger of this type of correction based relationship is that it quenches freedom and friendship. I wonder what is left of love without freedom and friendship. This is not to say there is no room for correction in love,but we should focus our corrections on only the most strategic, important and consequential of issues. If you are having to correct your partner every time, it is either you choose to love a fool or you chose a lover way below your IQ. In which case, you have to seek a redress.


These are the changes you desire that are backed up by eternal principles. They are changes in your relationship that has to occur for both you and the relationship to survive. They are changes that must not be overlooked. If such changes are not effected they might lead to catastrophic consequences. Such changes aren’t just a matter of your opinion,they are validated by timeless principles and practices. They are the changes that are so serious that you can afford to start a conflict and end the relationship over them, if they aren’t addressed satisfactorily.

An example of such changes is when you find your self in a committed relationship with someone who is pathologically unfaithful sexually. You can’t afford to sheepishly ignore the issue for peace sake. If you do, you run the risk of being infected sexually with terminal illnesses like HIV and its associates. A woman spoke about how she would have to treat her self for sexually transmitted diseases for months after each sexual encounter with her husband. Her desire for change under such a circumstance is backed up by principle not just prejudice. She could lose her life if she humbly persists in that condition.

Of course dealing with principle oriented changes require that you stick to your guns with determination. Even if it means conflicts or the ultimate breakup of the relationship. In dealing with principle oriented changes love must be tough. Love must be willing to go its own way over the issue. Love must be willing to risk a fight(of course not physically). Love must be willing to stand its ground no matter what. This is because when principles are being violated in your relationship,what is at stake is more than your love,what is at stake is your life and overall well being. Such fights are what I call a good fight. While it is immaturity to start a fight over prejudice,just wars must be fought for the sake of principles.

Oops!!! I am out of word count for today. Tomorrow I will get into the practical strategies that will enable you change that lover you’ve got. Make it a date with me. I believe the best of you.


Deji Olabode.
Love Dynamics Global
Enthronement Assembly Lagos
@lovedynamix on twitter
BBpin; 270B1423

* Please note that all enquiries about speaking engagements and professional counseling should be sent by email to the above email address. Thanks.

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