No matter how much you love your partner, offenses must come. The only thing common to all ex relationships is their inability to handle hurts and offenses. Owing to the fact that we are humans,none of us can be right 100% of the time. In practice the pendulum of rights and wrongs oscillate between both couples from time to time. If your partner is being wrong all of the time, you probably chose someone way below your league of maturity. If your particular partner is right all of the time, you probably chose someone way above your league. In a love among equals scenario,it will shift between couples from time to time.The wrongs in our relationship could be as a result of a clash of process-couples clashing over how things are done by each other. It could be a clash of interest-couples wanting different outcomes out of common circumstances. It could be a clash of perspectives-couples choosing to observe common issues from divergent angles. It could be a clash of facts-couples deriving their information from contradictory sources. The sources of our emotional angst are endless. What matters most is possessing the skills and perspectives needed to navigate the turbulent waters of our wrongs. Here are some strategic guidelines.
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Do not TRIVIALIZE your wrongs: One of the most dangerous things you can do,is to underestimate the little foxes that spoil your love vine. Sometimes I have noticed partners express shock that their lover was filing for divorce. Some are often surprised about how much things have degenerated in their relationship,when they thought everything was going alright. The reason for such surprises is because we all have a tendency to trivialize the issues that our partners raise and we tend to underestimate the extent to which they can go to secure a change. Never underestimate your partner’s propensity for breakup because they love you. You might be shocked,if you don’t decisively deal with their concerns. Whatever difficult issue your lover raises up shouldn’t be swept under the rug,rather each issue should be taken as seriously as who your partner is to you. Don’t trivialize your wrongs.
- You must ANALYZE your wrongs: In doing this you have to decipher what the source and kind of wrong is. Is it a conflict of interest, perspectives, processes or facts just to mention but a few? You must in analysis, question objectively the issue that is being raised. Is it fact or fiction. Is it true or false. Are you genuinely right or wrong. You must be brutally frank with yourself in this phase. Of all the brands of deception that exists,self deception is the worst.
- You must REALIZE your wrongs: Until you are objective and impartial enough to see what you are doing wrong in love,you will lack the impetus for change. If you don’t have the capacity to extract the log in your eyes,how will you see clearly enough to help your partner extract the speck in theirs? Personal transformation should always come before partner transformation. I once passed over the opportunity to marry a lady when I was younger,because she was self blinded to her short comings. She could not see and acknowledge her deficiencies,regardless of how obvious they were. It is almost impossible to get a self blinded person to change,so I quit the relationship. Such tendencies should not be taken lightly in a prospective lover,if you don’t want to spend the rest of your life nagging them them for a change. Sincerity about your wrongs is a laudable virtue,
- When wrong, you must VERBALIZE your apologies: This is a serious one, because most of us struggle with the 5 letter word S-O-R-R-Y,whereas am sorry could be one of the most soothing words you can apply to your lover’s heart whenever they have been offended. Most men hate to say sorry, and this pompousness is unwarranted,especially if an apology is deserved. The way I see it the only entities that offend us without an inherent apologetic intelligence are animals. A goat can come into your compound,eat up your produce and walk off without an apology. Aren’t we demonstrating a similar deficiency in apologetic intelligence when we fail to apologize to the one we love? Many will rather buy gifts for their partner than say sorry. Such evasive tactics can not replace the therapeutic effect of hearing the person who offended you tell you sorry. Since we desire it, we should also be honorable enough to give it.
- You must INTERNALIZE your apologies: It’s not enough to say you are sorry, it is important to mean it from your heart. Insincerity isn’t hard to hide. That is why just saying you are sorry won’t make things right. It must be heart sent,heart meant and heart felt for it to work. The only way to mean it, is if your apology is coming from a heart that has deeply comprehended the extent of your partner’s hurts and misgivings.
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You must DRAMATIZE your apologies: In other words,you must act out your remorse. If your body language as well as actions do not back up your apologies, it won’t work. Part of it is refusing to repeat the same actions that has generated the conflict and controversy. Humans when hurt understand apologetic actions better than mere apologetic words.
Hopefully, if you and your partner apply the following principles,and repeat the process whenever offenses arise,you will be rewarded with a rich and rewarding love life. I look forward to your successes. Do let me hear about how you are doing. I believe the best of you. Have a remarkable weekend.
THE GREATEST IS LOVE.
Deji Olabode.
Love Dynamics Global.
Enthronement Assembly Lagos.
lovedynamix@gmail.com
@lovedynamix on twitter.
BBpin; 270B1423
* Please note that all enquiries about speaking engagements and professional counseling should be sent by email to the above email address. Thanks.
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