Why Couples Clash

Conflicts are inevitable in every intimate relationship. Intimacy in itself suggests a rubbing together in different areas of the relationship. Unfortunately, the heat and friction generated by intimacy can sometimes lead to adverse consequences, regarding the longevity of the relationship. The first step in conflict resolution is to understand the source and nature of the particular conflict you are facing, this will greatly enhance your ability to overcome it. The following are four major conflicts you might have to deal with in your love sojourn on earth.


This happens when your desired outcome over an issue is at variance with what your partner desires. We all have subconscious agendas regarding the various aspects of our lives, when there is no harmony of agendas, conflicts are bound to happen. This is all the more complicated when one or both partners are trying to enforce the agenda of an external party upon the relationship. In dealing with this one must realize that, you can not always have your way, all the time and still have a relationship. At some point, compromise and consensus must be reached for the greater good of the relationship. If we mutually refuse to develop our personal competence in compromise and consensus, such relationships have automatically arrived at their grave. There is no relationship future for the stubborn, the opinionated and the hardened, they are bound to end up alone and lonely someday.


Every human being has a sense of right and wrong. Each individual also has a body of principles that are most important to them. These values could have been inculcated into us by parents, religious affiliation or strategic associations. Long before we meet the love of our lives, these values would have been programmed into us. What makes it even more serious is that we tend to feel strongly about these values to the exclusion of external reason. You can now imagine how tumultuous it would be for our current lovers to challenge the validity of those long-held values. An example is if a Christian lady decides to marry a Muslim man. The conflict will arise from the fact that Christian’s view monogamy as ethical, while Islam permits polygamy under certain circumstances. This little differentiation in religious dogma can contribute to major conflicts in the relationship. We, therefore, advise that before relationships are started, there must be a clarification of core values and if both lovers cannot find a way to harmonize their values, it is best they keep away from each other. If they sentimentally close their eyes to the huge gulf in values that exist, tears of sorrow will open the same eyes to the reality of their errors sometime in future.


This happens when couples disagree as to how things should be done in the relationship. This conflict of “HOW” is further strengthened by holding the delusion that my way of doing things is the best. Whereas the best way of doing things is most likely the next. Conflicts of processes are also common for people who have a traditional mindset, instead of a transitional mindset. Jesus, one remarkable Jewish rabbi that I am heavily indebted and committed to, chastised the traditional leaders of his day for making his word of none effect because of their traditions. A traditional lover believes that the means justifies the end, whereas a civilized lover believes that the end justifies the means, provided that ethical principles are not violated in getting to that end. In other words, we must in the words of Drucker, belong to the church of results. If there is a conflict between my wife and I, about how an objective is to be accomplished, if her way of doing things produces consistent, superior results, I must be humble enough to acknowledge it and get behind her methods. Ego should be inconsequential in the face of superior results. Oral Robert’s words ring aloud here when he said” I am married to principles but not to methods.


This happens as a result of couples overreacting to either wrong or inaccurate information. So many lovers jump to a conclusion without verifying the credibility of the information. Time will fail me to distinguish between data(raw),information(processed) and intelligence(actionable). Suffice it to say for now that if you act on everything you hear about your lover you are bound to lose them. It is also important to realize that every information is as credible as it’s source. It is also important to be patient to verify the authenticity of what you heard before confronting your lover. This way you won’t have to apologize too often for jumping into an irrational conclusion. Finally, you must filter what you have been told through your practical knowledge of who your lover is and has been to you.

Oops! I am way over my word count for today. I will have to answer to our outstanding editorial executive, Ms Mabel Tola-Winjobi. Do help me apologise to her for me, if you know her. She has always taught me to keep it short and simple. I couldn’t help it today, Mabel. I appreciate your role in our vision. I sure hope that every extra word was worth it. (*winks*).


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