Yesterday, we said it is not enough to know how a lover loves. It is also important to know how they fight before settling for them. Some lovers actually love good but they fight bad. I have seen extreme dimensions of conflict in love, like lovers who physically destroy every material in sight all in the name of anger. I have seen other lovers get to the point of physically molesting their partners just to prove a point of displeasure. I have even seen lovers who verbally lash out at their lover without respect and dignity for them. In fact we have seen lovers oscillate between the two extremes of personal suicide and murderous tendencies just because they had a love fight. All of these are immature approaches to conflict resolution in love.I however can not blame some of them because few lovers have been trained on the subject of conflict resolution in love. If the break up cycle of differences, disagreements, conflicts and breakup will be interrupted, it must be because the lover has taken responsibility to develop proper conflict resolution attitudes, strategies and skills. We intend to deal with some of the most important ones here.
ENSURE THAT NOTHING IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN YOUR LOVER
This is because anything in your relationship that is more important to you than your partner will become a potential point of recurrent conflict. For instance, if money is more important to you than your lover, you are bound to fight over money. If work is more important to you than your lover, you are bound to fight over work. If friends and family are more important to you than your lover you are bound to fight over family and friends.
It is as if every lover’s heart is set by default to desire to be the number one priority of the one we love. Every lover’s heart may never be free from inclination to conflict until they are fully sure they are at least the second most important thing in our lives. I say second most important because I believe the most important should be the creator. No lover needs to be jealous of their lover’s affair with the creator because he is both an invisible influence and a uniting factor in all relationships where divinity is acknowledged. That said, we must work hard at making our partners one of the dominant factors of preference and importance in our lives,only then will we know peace.
REALIZE THAT YOUR POINT OF VIEW IS NOT AS IMPORTANT AS YOUR PARTNER IN VIEW
Many lovers worship their point of view in conflict, by so doing most of them loose sight of the one they love. You must realize that opinions are just that, opinions. You might love your opinions but one thing your opinion cannot do is love you back. Your lover however can love you again and again.
This obsession with our personal opinions is the source of all arguments in love. Opinionated people make the worst lovers. It is important to distinguish between convictions and opinions. Convictions are based upon eternal principles but opinions are based upon personal reasons and feelings. I am not saying we should lack convictions, I am saying we should manage our opinions in relation to our lovers, so that conflicts won’t be the order of the day.
BE MATURED ENOUGH TO REALIZE THAT IT IS POSSIBLE TO BOTH BE DIFFERENT AND RIGHT AT THE SAME TIME
Most conflicts stem out of the “I am right you are wrong paradigm”. The truth is that we can both be right in a conflict and be saying something different. This is because as different people in love we have the tendency to approach things from different angles. This doesn’t mean the angle is wrong, it is merely different. Particularly men and women seldom see things the same way. In fact the neurosciences have proven through brain dominance theory that the male-female brains are wired differently, anatomically. The implication of this is that our brains are wired to view things differently. Our perspectives in love shouldn’t be competitive,they should be complementary.
DECIDE NOT TO SWEAT THE SMALL STUFFS
Maturity in love is the ability to distinguish the things worth fighting for, from the things that are not. It is true that there are little foxes that spoil the vine,but not every little thing is worth fighting over. Funny enough, I have heard couples fight over mundane things like tooth paste, toilet roll, even food just to mention but a few. This is the peak of immaturity.
Some things in love are worth fighting for like your lover, your home, your dignity and your respect and so on. Others aren’t worthy of a matured lover’s attention or mention. A lover who generates steam over insignificant issues is like an AK-47 armed soldier wasting his precious bullets on butterflies. The outcome is that he might not have enough bullets to face the real enemy. Likewise in love we must choose our battles as well as our bullets carefully.
The challenge of sweating the small stuffs in love is that one might eventually lack the steam to deal with the major issues of love. Another way to put it is that if you exhaust your energies on insignificant issues,you are most likely to lack the credibility it takes to resolve the big issue.
Wow I have exhausted my word count for the day. What we dealt with today are the essential attitudes of a good conflict resolver. Tomorrow we shall be dealing with the major strategies it will take to resolve love conflicts. Thanks.
THE GREATEST IS LOVE
Deji Olabode
Love Dynamics Global
Enthronement Assembly Lagos
lovedynamix@gmail.com
@lovedynamix on Twitter
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so true and nice