A LOVE WORTH DUMPING

We started yesterday on the subject of 8 types of relationships worth breaking. We made it clear that no one has to put up with coercive love circumstances in life. Life is too short to be spent in relationships with people who don’t want to be with you. Today we want to explore the subject of ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS.An abusive relationship is any relationship that does not affirm the inherent worth and value of the individual rather such relationships leave you with questions as to how valuable you are as a human being. True love is taking responsibility for the affirmation of the inherent worth of an individual, through positive words,actions and attitudes. Anything short of this is an emotional catastrophe.

A prerequisite for love is having a deep rooted belief in the dignity of a human being. When we now claim to love a person, a genuine lover sees a relationship as their greatest opportunity to prove that worth to their lover. Any relationship that leaves you doubting your value is an abusive one.

It is very important for us to clarify upfront what abuse is not. Abuse is not criticism. There are a lot of people who can’t take constructive criticism in their relationship and this is wrong. Is it not better to have your flaws and shortcomings pointed out in a private relationship, than to have to endure public ridicule? Maturity is the ability to see the value of a constructive critic without taking offense. In fact the more matured you are, the more you are likely to seek realistic feedback about the not so glossy aspects of your life.

Abuse is not disagreement with your petty agendas. There are certain spoilt brats who are used to always having there way in life. Such people have a tendency to see an enemy in everyone who stands in the way of their selfish agendas. One recipe for failure in life is to always have your way. We all need a genuine lover in our lives ,who will be strong enough to be a force for priority in our life when the brat in all of us wants to have their way.

Abuse is not discipline. Discipline is the soul of an army and the bridle of every matured relationship. Discipline is simply a culture that enforces consequences for the manifestation of irresponsibility. One fact of life is that there should be rewards for doing right and punishment for doing wrong. This discipline in a matured relationship should not include corporal punishment, neither should it violate the fundamental dignity of the individual. Having said that, there are five major aspects of abuse that I want to deal with for the purpose of this writing.

PHYSICAL ABUSE

This is the act of inflicting physical pain on ones lover in other to express our displeasure over an issue. This ranges from beating,to slapping, to flogging to even kicking ones partner so as to prove an insane point. The abuser in most cases is either a victim of anger, frustration or simply a product of observing wrong models of relating during childhood . Whatever the reason for such barbaric actions are, one thing is clear it is not a manifestation of love. Do you physically destroy a piece of clothing you love? Or do you deliberately scratch a car that you love? This is just plain old elementary common sense. How you treat a thing is a statement of the value you have for the thing. If you are being maltreated you aren’t valued period.

I am aware that there are certain anti divorce religious pundits who advocate a together forever, till death do us apart paradigm of marriage. To them I must say that the content of the marital vows did not say till ‘killing’ do us apart,but till death do us apart. It is time that religious leaders take a stronger stand for the dignity of the individual over the dignity of marriage. Your life is too much a price to pay for the success of your marriage. If you end up being a marriage martyr, I wonder who will raise you children as well as you. One scripture says that life and death is set before us, it is our responsibility to choose life. Putting up with a violent partner is choosing death. So let me spill the beans, If a pattern of physical abuse has been established, divorce and separation should be an option. I am 100% pro life on this issue. Always remember that tolerating abuse is perpetrating it.

VERBAL ABUSE

This ranges from shouting to name calling, to outright insults. It is true that the consequences of verbal are not as fatal as that of physical abuse. It is never the less not justifiable. While physical abuse destroys the body, verbal abuse destroys the soul. Remaining in an atmosphere of verbal abuse decimates your self esteem and self worth like no other thing I know. If you aren’t yet married,and you are seeing a pattern of verbal abuse you have the right to rethink the future of that relationship. If you are married, I do not recommend divorce but for the sake of your destiny, refuse to believe such low estimations of your capabilities. I once learnt a lesson from a Roman centurion‘s statement , he said, I am a man under authority I say to one come and he comes, I say to another go and he goes, I say to one do this and he does it. The moral in his statement is that “authority doesn’t shout authority says”. We don’t have to shout at or abuse our partners to establish our authority . Our love can be civilized in communication.

ATTITUDINAL ABUSE

This kind of abuse isn’t carried out by our actions and words but by our attitudes. This attitudes are further reinforced by erroneous love doctrines being spread by many ignorant people in our day. For example, some will tell you that, if you love a person don’t show them or else they will take you for granted. How strange. You can’t build an approach to future relationships upon past disappointments. If you do you will end up reproducing the disappointments of the past. Some will even tell you that love is wicked. All of these junks out there now makes people develop toxic attitudes to their relationships and when the attitudes lead to relationship failure they start looking for who to blame. These attitudes could range from giving you partner a cold shoulder to the silent treatment to even making your partner beg for a whole month before reconciling with them,all of these just to mention but a few.

You must attempt to discern a prospective partners love script and play book before getting involved with them. You must ascertain if their love moves are stemming out of past failures or timeless principles. You must realize that the attitudes of a relationship will create the spirit of the relationship and the spirit of the relationship will determine the outcome of that relationship. You must shun negative attitudes and deliberately seek to exhibit attitudes that will affirm the worth and value of your lover. Only then will your love life work.

SEXUAL ABUSE

Without much elaboration I strongly believe that marriage is the safest context for sexual expression. However sexual expression must take into consideration the safety and security of the parties involved. It must take into consideration the mutual comfort and pleasure of the parties involved. It shouldn’t be a one sided activity neither should we risk our lives in pursuit of sexual pleasure. I once read of a woman who died because a polyethylene bag was wrapped around her face during sexual intercourse . The guy literally “took her breath away” in the heat of sexual passion. While it is not my duty in this article to judge individual sexual orientations, I must say such life taking sexual extremes are bizarre and should be resisted. I mean think about a person’s epitaph reading here lies the man that died making love. We shall return to the subject of sex some other day.

ENVIRONMENTAL ABUSE

This is when a couple or partner takes out their emotional frustration on the environment. Some will break plates, TVs, smash the wind screen of cars, tear clothes, pour away food and lots more just to prove a point. This is the zenith of emotional immaturity and the depth of psychological underdevelopment . The more we feel a need to take out our frustrations on another and not talk it out, the more immature we are. I said “talk it out don’t take it out”. An ancient biblical writer said that the wrath of man worketh not the righteousness of God. What this means is that anger cant make things right in your relationship, it only destroys. The real nature of abuse is that it is progressive in nature. If attitudinal abuse is not checked, it soon evolves into verbal abuse, if verbal abuse isn’t checked it soon spirals into environmental abuse, if not checked it spirals into physical abuse and the destructive cycle goes on.
My advice to you is that you don’t take the slightest occurrence of abuse for granted. It should be addressed, neither should we offer such crude practices to our partners. Never forget that true love is taking responsibility for the affirmation of the inherent worth of an individual through positive words,actions and attitudes. See you tomorrow.

THE GREATEST IS LOVE!!!

Deji Olabode
Love Dynamics Global
Enthronement Assembly Lagos.
lovedynamix@gmail.com
@lovedynamix on twitter
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